If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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