cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
worst night to have a conscience
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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