watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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