I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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