Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
