You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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