Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Boobs are out for the taking
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
