I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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