ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
