I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
