Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
