you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
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She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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