Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
