Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
