OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
