Need sex. Gaining weight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I need a beard to bite.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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