For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
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Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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