I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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