Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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