We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
