I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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