I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
