I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i need to put some appletini on your dick
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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