My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
