i already hear my dad disowning me
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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