he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
