he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
