I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
