Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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