Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
