proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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