So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
