I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
