I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
