just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize