On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
