Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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