just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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