Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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