this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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