Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
