you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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