Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
