i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
