I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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