alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize