2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
