i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
