There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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