it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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