nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
