And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
