I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
