So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
